


The Unspoken Words of Everything

by NotEvenThat



Series: Introspective Magnus Drabbles [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Even in the beginning, Fluff, Fluff isn't really the word I'm looking for though, Love, M/M, Magnus Bane-centric, Magnus's POV, Past Child Abuse, Past Suffering, magnus loves Alec so much, past abusive relationships, past angst, past suicide attempts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 17:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11257320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotEvenThat/pseuds/NotEvenThat
Summary: Magnus wanted to tell Alexander everything. He wanted to tell him about Camille and Ragnor. He wanted to tell him about his mother and the sleepless nights that he had spent visualizing her body. He wanted to tell him about the war and about the night that they had slept together for the first time. He wanted to tell him a million things, things that he had never said to anyone.He couldn't say any of that though and he wouldn't even know how to begin, if he wanted too. Instead, he just said, "Alexander. You've unlocked something in me." And Magnus hoped that Alec understood, at least a little bit, how much more Magnus wanted to say to him.Everything Magnus wanted to say to Alec but couldn't.





	The Unspoken Words of Everything

**Author's Note:**

> Offing: The sea between the horizon and the offshore.

Magnus had always had problems sleeping. While everyone else seemed to drift effortlessly into unconsciousness, Magnus had always struggled. Even when he was a child, before his warlock mark had shown itself and his parents had become disgusted by him, he had never been able to sleep well. He’d curled up next to his mother and just _listen_ and she and his father slept all night.

Then, it hadn’t been a problem. He’d stay up late unable to sleep but content, warm and happy. It only became a problem when he had lost all of those things. He remembered shivering in the rare cold nights of Indonesia, staring through the slits in the barn all night. Even then, he’d go days without sleeping but not by choice.

After the silent brothers had found him and a bit after that when Ragnor had taken him, it became less of a problem again. He was seventeen. He was free from the only abusive life he’d ever known and he was anxious to _go_ and experience absolutely _everything._ He’d stay up for days at a time, bouncing from one place to another not taking even a moment to sit and relax. He drove himself to the verge of exhaustion, only passing out when Ragnor would finally grab him and make him return home. Even then though, he was _happy._ His whole life, he had believed that he was a monster and then suddenly the world had opened itself up and Magnus found others like him, a whole world of people like him.

He’d have rather stayed awake all night than to miss out on something and more often than not, that's what he did. Ragnor had always told him that he had the rest of time to enjoy himself, he could take a moment to sleep. Magnus would laugh and then pull Ragnor into the next adventure. Deep down though, Magnus knew that he wouldn’t have been able to sleep, even if he had wanted too. Ragnor thought that he chose to stay awake but Magnus only chose to enjoy it.

Then, he had met Camille. Quickly, their relationship turned sour but in the beginning everything was perfect, at least to Magnus. He had loved people before. He had loved many people before but Camille was the first person that Magnus had ever _clicked_ with. She was the first person that Magnus had ever loved instantly and with everything he had.

She was also the first person that had made Magnus want to slow down. From the moment his feet had left the soil of Indonesia, Magnus hadn’t stopped. Quickly, he outgrew Ragnor’s home and then there was no one to tell him to stop, there was no one to catch him and tell him to sleep. So, he hadn’t. For centuries, he kept moving.

Camille didn’t understand that, though.

 _We’re immortal, Magnus. We have forever._ But- _Forever,_ and then she would kiss him soft, slow and with absolutely no rush at all. Camille was the first person who had ever made Magnus realize the scope of that word. _Forever._ And so, they had slowed. Days crawled on, mornings where Magnus would wake up wanting to rush out into some new horizon only for Camille to kiss him and pull him into bed again.

Magnus couldn’t function the way Camille could though and quickly they started to bicker about it. Magnus stayed up for nights on end and where he would normally throw himself into something, _anything_ to keep his attention, he just sat and wished that he were asleep or dead. Camille had wanted him to slow down and he did. Everything had slowed down, days and nights blended together until Magnus had opened his eyes one sleepless night and saw the moonlight shining through the slits of a barn, rather than the room he was in.

Two days later, Magnus had finally gone on a walk instead of laying in bed wide awake and after thinking about it for only a moment, he had tried to throw himself off a bridge. Camille caught him, of course. The same way she had all of those nights when she had told him to stop moving. Then, the next time Magnus wanted to go do something, she had agreed rather than trying to make him calm down.

That was the thing that had always destroyed Magnus about Camille. She had pulled him from the side of a bridge and then for months, _years,_ she had acted like she cared and Magnus had believed her right up until the day that she had stopped pretending.

For a century after that, Magnus had stayed alone. He sat in his loft and drank until he couldn’t walk, so that he could pretend it was the alcohol that was making him feel so numb. He woke up and when he looked out the balcony window onto the rushing street below him, he went to Tokyo, Europe or Peru. Anywhere, _somewhere._ Or he called people that he barely remembered the name of and they drank and danced until the thought of throwing himself off his balcony was inconceivable, if only because he was too drunk to get to the doors.

And _sleep._ It didn’t happen. Not like before when he had stayed up for days; Magnus stayed up for _months._ Passing out for the briefest moments and then standing up again and _running_ until he hit something that made him stop thinking again.

Every once in awhile he would sleep, _actually_ sleep, and every single time he woke up covered in sweat, screams and nightmares that were horrible blends of reality and Magnus’s subconscious flashing behind his eyes.

Then, he had met Alexander. He didn’t sleep that night and things didn’t fix themselves all because Magnus had met a single person but something shifted. It happened gradually, as gradually as Magnus’s urge to kill himself had come while he was dating Camille, until one day he woke up to the sunlight streaming through his bay windows and he just wanted to get up. He didn’t want to drink. He didn’t want to call anyone. He just wanted to wake up and for the first time in _years,_ Magnus just wanted to wake up and be _alive._

They went to Tokyo and spent the day shopping. Magnus took Alec to Brazil to his favorite restaurant. He even took Alexander to Indonesia, where they spent the day sprawled under the clouds together, so close to Magnus’s childhood home, though he didn’t say that out loud. And they spent days inside, curled on Magnus’s couch as the rain pounded down on New York around them, fleeting moments and soft kisses between each of their work schedules.

And Magnus _slept._ Not consistently, maybe not even every night but he slept. When they stumbled home, drunk on kissed and wine, Magnus fell asleep with his head curled on Alexander’s chest. When Alec was busy at the Institute, Magnus slept with his hands holding his cell phone, waiting for Alec to text him back. When he came home, exhausted and utterly drained of magic, he slept thinking about how Alexander was coming home to him after his mission. And some nights, Magnus even slept angry, knowing that the next day him and Alec were going to talk about it and somehow, they would be okay again.  

The day after Alexander had kissed him at his wedding, Magnus had wanted to tell him all of it. He wanted to tell him about his mother's body, hanging in the same barn where he had slept every night. He wanted to tell him about Ragnor and how he had been Magnus’s first friend _ever_ , and how still, every night he found himself reaching for his phone to call him and listen to his irritated sighs as Magnus told him about Alec. He wanted to tell Alec about Camille and how without a word, she had made him feel worthless and he wanted to tell him about how he hadn’t been able to shake that feeling for _years_. He wanted to tell him about the bridge and the moment just before Camille had grabbed him in which he felt _peace_ for the first time in so long.

He wanted to tell him about the first night that they had slept together, the night that Alexander had come to help Magnus with Luke. He wanted to tell him that he hadn’t fallen asleep on his shoulder because he had used too much magic. He wanted to tell him about how he had sat there and stared at Alexander in the moonlight and then he had leaned forward slowly, and in a selfish moment, he had pressed his head against Alec’s neck and he had laid there feeling so absolutely safe, wishing the Alec never had to leave, wishing things were different, wishing the Clave was different, wishing that Alec felt safe enough to accept himself.

He didn’t say any of it, though. It was too early. It was too early for all of it, for Magnus to even be feeling it, let alone for him to say it out loud and scare Alec away. Instead, he just said, “You unlocked something in me, Alexander.” Magnus had never spoken such a true statement but it wasn’t the whole truth. The whole truth was too much. Too raw and everything with Alec was too new.

But they both smiled, only a little bit, and Magnus knew that it could wait. The whole truth could wait because him and Alexander may not have _forever_ but they’d have a while and for the first time, all of his own free will, Magnus didn’t want to rush into their while.

**Author's Note:**

> This started as me projecting my sleep problems onto Magnus and slowly, it became this. Also, I haven't slept in forty eight hours so please ignore any mistakes. I'll fix them all later, preferably in twelve hours after I've slept.


End file.
